Friday, 6 April 2007

Admirably Ignorant Hope

My heart is hurt again.
Not by the carelessness of another,
but by the dashed hope of a longed for desire.
The sheer emptiness of the longing
overcomes everything in its movement towards it's fulfillment.
At first it was the undue length of its colourless duration
that pierced the freshness of every new morning.
Now as the sun sets,
so it turns melancholy.
Moaning out into it's formless void
made evenmore despairing by the false appearance of fleeting substance.
Like a sliver of moonlight held down by a spiderthread was it's presence.
And now it lingers only like a pale elephantine shadow,
yet to be fulfilled.
An empty promise that always was,
yet never quite is.
A quiver of the heart of insignificant size,
yet unbearable presence.
This my heart feels.
This my heart still wants.
Such a tiny thing that sits so still,
but moves so much!
Why must I bear a burden that is so impossibly unbearable?
Why do I still passionately pray for its fulfillment?
Dumb fingers,
Dumb thoughts
and Dumb actions
compound the difficulty of mustering this battle with chivalrous charm.
Impossibility becoming improbability.
Improbability becoming an all too familiar bedfellow.
An all too despised acquaintance.
An open disposition becomes clouded.
Clouded by confusion and dull pains of a pang
echoing violently off empty walls,
in an empty space.
A space where admirably ignorant hope
still believes someone will stand.

(I wrote this poem before I met my wife. I had had my heart broken and thought the end of the world had come. Little did I know that my heart had to be broken to allow someone new into my life, someone that stayed forever!)

Dreams or reality. I guess it's up to me in the end.

So today is a holiday, and so is Monday next week, which means we have a four day weekend, or a paid holiday/vacation for those who think of it as such. It is also a time where I hope to catch up on all those things I have neglected in the last few weeks. I might also add that my wife now wishes to move to Greece. Which is fine by me if I can get a well paying job. But I somehow think it will never happen. Even though it would be a dream come true for me too.
I find that like most people on earth I dream dreams which are great and majestic, and in reality are not really such huge pipe dream impossibilities. It is just that I become overwhelmed by the sheer enormity of the prospect of achiving my dreams. I have realised that after losing my livelihood and having to rebuild a life and living from scratch in a strange country with different customs, that the world is really out there for the taking.
I wish my Dad had taught me this lesson. I feel that I would have been much more of a success if I had known this fact rather than have to learn it the hard way. I now know that after my studies are complete and I have a year or two's practical experience, I can go work in virtually any country in the world that will grant me a work permit. Which means that the possibility of wishful thinking becoming true exists. I can experience an alligator in my swimming pool in Florida, or go scuba diving in Belize after work, or go walking through cities with centuries of history in europe.
If I look back, experience might be pointing me in this way of thinking, but the penny is just not quite dropping yet.
Which now has me thinking; both my wife and myself miss the sunny and warm climate we were made to abandon for a less balmy one. And we do wish to return to one, any one anywhere. But small thinking is hampering us. The type of small thinking that makes people see or experience something they have never seen or experienced before, like a better way of life, or an easier way of accomplishing something, and then after hours of thinking about it just abandoning it because of percieved obstacles.
I have only just realised that pretty damn near all of my obstacles are percieved ones.
Which means that I need to focus my thoughts and actions on how to see through these invisible walls. Because once I do, I can find the little stepping stones that will lead to my dreams.
So now my thoughts are not on what it must be like to wake up in Greece and live in such a beautiful place, but on how long my studies will still take, which will lead to my qualification, which could lead to a work permit, which could lead to a move to Greece for my wife and I, which would mean that we get to walk down those beaches in the postcards.
Simple this thing of changing my point of view.
It probably makes all the difference in the world.

So now its back to me and my four days of studying!!!!

Wednesday, 4 April 2007

The Lady Pride.

Be not proud,
for it is the proud that are blind to a fall.
Be not proud,for it is a deadly thing to be.
Pride is a witch,who will lead you to believe,
that she is your fairy-god mother.
She will show you ways of making things;
"oh so right",
Methods of perfection few can aspire.
How she taunts.
How she beguiles.
How she deceptively misleads you,
down a road of dispair.
She winks.
She smiles.
And all attempts to remain in control are shattered.
Once you have fallen prey to her,
You have fallen, pray to her.
For she has become your god and she will own you.
She is a viper.
Lying in wait till you unwaryingly step onto her path.
Swiftly she flies,
and gently she descends.
Pasionately she kills.
In swift precise strokes she cleaves through the most noble hearts......
making definite the sorrow of good things forgotten.
In misery she revels,
in heartsorrow she dwells.
Till even the pure are left with nothing to grasp.
How easy to fall,
how easy to stumble,
how easy to believe you are safe from a fall.
For once you have security and shurity,
you have nothing at all.
Your rock solid security is porous,
your dreadnaught conviction fallow.
And all along,
the lady pride she dances
She dances,
she twirls,
she twists,
she curls.
And slowly you die
till nothing remains.
Nothing remains
because nothing is.
All that is,
is the lady pride.
And all she is......
is you...
(To the driver of a white mercedes that skipped a red traffic light and knocked me off my motorcycle and did not stop to check if I was okay. I have no compassion for you.)

Just before Midnight thoughts when I am too tired to sleep.

I find myself sitting somewhere in-between Wednesday and Thursday, my laptop has just crashed again, my desktop has a new anti-virus program installed and I have achieved my highest marks so far in a mock test for my next exam. My wife is soundly asleep and as beautiful as ever but my herb garden is still not growing like it should, while the 'living salad' appears to not want to live. Why is it that I can look after a garden in the ground but not after plants in pots? I am supposed to have grown up on a farm, I should be able to do this stuff. Droopy chives seem to reflect some of the feelings inside me. I know I should be standing up straight and tall with a strong flavour that can be used to make things better, but sometimes I feel too thin and tired, and like I just cannot cope. But this is my new online journal that will help me to show myself and the cynical world out there that anything can be conquored.
"Do not lose hope, for once hope is lost, all is lost." I do not know who said that first, but it is a good motto that I believe in.
I am not small, even though I sometimes feel small.